I've had a million post ideas running through my head the last few days. But something happened today that has stuck with me. We just returned Sunday morning from a week long vacation to Utah to visit my family for the fourth of July holiday. I knew that getting back into the swing of things might be a little rough since naps and any semblance of schedule were thrown out the window during vacation and because I knew my husband would be leaving early and working late to make up for missed time but whew! These last two days have been challenging.
There has been more fighting, biting, pushing, pulling, hitting, crying and screaming from both my girls than ever before. A forced trip to the grocery store with both kids on Tuesday to restock the kitchen was almost worse than a root canal and I feel like I have gotten absolutely nothing done the last three days except break up fights, change diapers, comfort bumps and bruises and clean up tornado type messes.
I'll probably say it a hundred times on this blog but motherhood is HARD. Some days I smack my forehead and think, "What in the world have I done? This is a nightmare!". And other days my heart is so full of joy I feel like I'm going to burst. It's incredible how two (or one, or five or six) small children can make you feel completely defeated and as if you have no idea what you are doing one day, and then the next they make you feel like you are mother of the year with their hugs and kisses, I love yous, and exclamations that you are their best friend. What I was reminded of today is that it all comes down to perspective.
Where we live in CA (and in other parts of the country too I believe) one of the local cinemas has $1 movies during the sumer on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Yesterday I decided I would be brave and take the kids today and figured if it was a complete fail that I could leave and not feel bad since I would only be spending $3. Before the movie I decided that we would stop by Sprouts to grab a few healthy snacks to have during the movie, partly because I knew it would be getting close to lunch and partly to have something to use as a distraction in the event of a melt down. We were meeting a friend at the theater so I told Abby that we needed to hustle inside to pick our snacks so we wouldn't be late. But of course as is true to her personality she needed to walk on every ledge of the flower beds and investigate every crack in the sidewalk. But I hustled her along, we picked our snacks and hurried to the checkout line. Just as we were approaching a sweet lady (grandma type) stopped and said hello to the girls. Then she looked at me and said, "I saw your youngest when you first walked in and thought she was just precious. And then I saw your oldest and thought (putting her hand over her heart) what beautiful, sweet little girls. You don't get to see that every morning." I thanked her for her sweet comment and she talked with Abby for a moment and then we rushed on our way. But her comment left an impression upon me. It was a sweet reminder of how blessed I truly am. I DO get to see them every day. They are one of the greatest joys in my life and give me purpose each day. But it is often so hard for me to remember this when I am in the "trenches" of life each day dealing with potty accidents, food being thrown on the ground, tantrums of epic proportions, biting, hair pulling, screaming and whining. It was a reminder that when I'm in the "thick" of things that I need to step back a little so that I can see the full picture, the eternal perspective if you will and not just the small moments of frustration.
Over this last year I have discovered that every moment that I have with my children both beautiful and difficult has the potential to bring us closer together and allow us to make lasting connections or drive us apart causing us to become slowly disconnected. Each of these encounters also give us opportunities to become aware of our weaknesses and insecurities so that we can either strengthen them or give in to them making them weaker. It's been a long year but one of incredible growth for me personally. It has taken a lot of talking (with the hubs), crying, praying, yelling (hate that), reading, pondering, searching, practicing and sleepless nights to get to where I am today. I wish I could say that finally everything has fallen into place but the truth is I'm still in the thick of it and have a long way to go. But I have come a long way. My weaknesses are stronger, my insecurities are slowly fading away, my tendency toward perfectionism doesn't have nearly the hold on me that it did a year ago and I have had more "special" moments with my girls than I ever have before. Somedays I still want to pull my hair out, have to count to ten or walk away when I feel everything coming to the surface but the difference is that instead of "stuffing" how I feel and then lashing out later I am able to give myself permission to feel frustrated, angry, sad, etc which helps the emotion to wash over me and be gone like a wave and then deal with the situation more calmly and with more empathy.
There are a lot of resources that have helped me get to this point. However nothing has helped me more than working on my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I am far from perfect in this area as well but when it comes to parenting Heavenly Father knows it all. Not only that he knows me and my children individually. He is the only one who can helped me to know how best to teach, comfort, guide and help my little girl reach their full potential. And he is the only one who can truly help me to become the best mother I can be. He knows me. He knows my weaknesses, insecurities and struggles. He loves me and my children more than I could ever comprehend. He gave me a Savior who sacrificed his life so that I didn't have to be perfect. All I have to do is try my very best every day and then come to him to ask for help and forgiveness. My best is going to be different every day depending on the curve balls life throws me and that's ok. One of the greatest things that Heavenly Father has reminded me of this last year is that even though they are small and under my care and protection my children are not mine, they are his. They are individuals with personalities, gifts, talents and most importantly agency. Just as Heavenly Father does not take away our freedom to choose and make mistakes by controlling us I cannot control my children. I can only control myself, my emotions, my responses and my attitude. If I can master myself and not give in to the natural man then I will be able to allow my children to do the same as I guide them, teach them, love them and help them to become who Heavenly Father needs them to be and what they want to be.
Eternal Perspective. It is absolutely crucial to being successful in this life. If we get so caught up in the moment that we lose sight of the goal then we have no purpose to drive us forward, to push us to become what we have the potential to be. That's not to say we shouldn't "live in the moment", make memories or enjoy and be satisfied with what we have now but we can't allow the darkness to overcome the light. Especially spiritual darkness.
My challenge to myself and to you if you are struggling is to step back when you feel like you are losing hold of the eternal perspective or the bigger picture. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and say a silent prayer to ask Heavenly Father to see your children as he sees them. Ask him to help you feel love, charity and empathy for who they are and what they are going through no matter how big or small it may seem to you. My hope is that this will help me remain more peaceful inside so that I can be more peaceful outside.
To all mothers, no matter what stage of motherhood you are in, bless you. Bless you for being who you are, for taking on the enormous task of motherhood. It is truly a sacred calling in this life and in the next. Nothing will bring you more joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain or sweetness and bitterness than this elect role in your life. May the Lord bless you for your daily efforts to push through the mundane and see the joy in the simple things. You are noble and great and no one can replace who you are and what you individually can do. Go forth with faith and with a prayer in your heart and you will not fail.
Slider
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Monday, July 1, 2013
"Nice Knees!"
Kind of an odd title I know but one that has been resonating in my head for the better part of a week. Two Sundays ago at church I was sitting in the back of the primary room while the Stake Primary Presidency was giving sharing time because it was ward conference. I was conducting that day and was waiting for her to finish so that I could turn the time over to our chorister for singing time. Our second counselor was sitting just in front and to the right of me and at one point she turned around to tell me something and then proceeded to look down at my knees and said, "Nice Knees" in a sort of teasing tone of voice. At first I wasn't sure what she was talking about. But once I realized that she was talking about my knees I immediately became self-conscious covered them with my hands. I chuckled and then mumbled some excuse about how as hard as I try I can't seem to make them look better. I put lotion on them every day, scrub them, etc. but nothing seems to work.
Now first off you have to know that this person is a dear friend, very kind and is the sweet mother of 4 energetic boys. There is no malice in what she said, and I knew that, but being a woman I couldn't help but feel a little bit embarrassed. My first thought was, "Doesn't every mother have knees like mine?". A quick look around the room confirmed that no, they did not. But I told myself it didn't matter and just brushed it off, or so I thought. For some reason that comment has stuck with me all week. After thinking about it for a few days I have finally come to the conclusion that I am supposed to learn something from her comment. I am incredibly hard on myself, I always have been. Like many women I compare myself to the "other mothers" out there. Some are crafty, some are bakers, some are chefs, some are beautifully organized, some are successful business women and mothers, some are leaders, some are patient, some are musical, some are fashion forward, some are lean, mean, exercise machines, some live green, some are quietly strong and influential and some have nice knees. ;-) Too often in my life I have compared my weaknesses to the strengths of others collectively. I don't think that there is anything wrong with wanting to develop new talents or strengthen one you already posses. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a better mother and work on weaknesses that you have. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to have nice knees. But there is something wrong with not accepting and celebrating what you are at this moment. I think the lesson that I am suppose to learn from this is that when I feel insecure about something I should look for the good inside of that insecurity. So this week I have thought about my knees and how they got the way that they are and why that's a good thing and not bad.
A Pair of Worn Knees
Is there something about you that is less than what others would deem as ideal but that has blessed your life in ways that others might not be able to see? I would love to hear your stories and the things you have learned from your rough spots, scars, bumps and bruises.
Exhibit A: My Knees
A Pair of Worn Knees
- I kneel each morning to pray for strength and guidance and a wife and mother
- I kneel with my children as we pick out clothes and I get them dressed
- I kneel as I play games with them, crawl around like a horse and chase them while they giggle.
- I kneel as I speak to them eye to eye when they need correction and direction in an effort to connect with them and understand what they need.
- I kneel to give and receive hugs from my children
- I kneel to pick up toys
- I kneel to change diapers
- I kneel as I mop my floor, clean my bathtub and toilet and as I dust my home
- I kneel next to the crib when my babies can't sleep and pat their backs
- I kneel next to my toddler's bed when she can't sleep or she doesn't feel well and stroke her hair or pat her back
- I kneel to say my prayers before bed
- I drop to my knees sometimes in prayer throughout the day to pray for the strength to go on when I am exhausted, frustrated and unsure of what to do.
- I kneel at the temple to participate in sacred ordinances
- I kneel to ask for forgiveness of my children when I have yelled and lost my temper
- I kneel to ask for forgiveness from my Heavenly Father
- I kneel to pray with my family each night
- I kneel to pray with my husband morning and night
Is there something about you that is less than what others would deem as ideal but that has blessed your life in ways that others might not be able to see? I would love to hear your stories and the things you have learned from your rough spots, scars, bumps and bruises.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
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Monday, June 17, 2013
Happy Father's Day
I couldn't let Father's Day go by without acknowledging all of the the father figures in my life. So men have played such an such an important roll in my life in helping me become the person and mother that I want to be.
I first want to acknowledge my own father. He is one of the most honest, hard working, dedicated, determined, loving and stubborn (love you Dad!) people I know. He taught me what it means to work hard, to make sacrifices to achieve your goals, to always keep moving forward in faith even when things seem difficult or impossible, to be organized, to be goal oriented, to never give up just because something is hard, to seek for knowledge and to love music. He was always making us laugh at the dinner table when we were kids by telling us the most ridiculous jokes. He would play the accordion and the guitar while we sang and danced. He can play the piano by ear and loves to sing with his children and grandchildren. He is the greatest Papa any grandchild could ask for and loves his grandchildren fiercely. He taught me to walk by faith, love and respect my Heavenly Father, love the temple and be obedient to the commandments. We may not have seen eye to eye on everything when I was younger but the truth is I am a lot like him in many ways and I am grateful for that. I hope to emulate his best qualities and pass them on to my own children. I love you Dad. Thank you for loving me and teaching me to be a good mother and wife. Thank you for always providing for and protecting us both temporally and spiritually. And thank you for loving my baby girls. They love their papa! Happy Father's day.
Next I want to acknowledge my husband. He is one of the most patient, kind, loving, supportive, committed people I know and without him I wouldn't have my two beautiful little girls. Thank you for loving me despite all of my weaknesses, putting up with my intense desire to be the best mother I can be even when that desire makes me a little crazy and moody at times and thank you for loving me more than I feel like I deserve at times. I love you. Happy Father's day.
Next I want to recognize my kind, gracious and loving Heavenly Father who has blessed me with all that I have. Without him I would be nothing and have nothing. He gave my spirit life, he sacrificed his son so that I would be able to return to live with him despite my mortal weaknesses, he sent me to a loving family who taught me the gospel of Jesus Christ, he has given me the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me and direct me here upon the earth. He led me to find my eternal companion who took me to the temple to be sealed to him forever. He has given me friends, role models, teachers and leaders who have inspired me, directed me, loved me and who taught me how to love, live and laugh. He has given me weaknesses and trials to make me strong and has given me more blessings and joy than I could ever hope to have. I love him and know that I am his daughter and will live with him again one day.
And lastly, happy Father's Day to my father-in-law Chris. Who raised such a wonderful son and who is a wonderful grandpa to my girls. To my Grandpa George Badger who taught me to love to read and thirst for knowledge. To my Uncle Jack who loves me like his own daughter and has been an example to me in more ways than he knows. To my brother Mike who loves with his whole heart. And to my brother Jeff who will be an amazing father one day because he is wonderful uncle. I love you all and hope that you had a wonderful Father's Day. I'm blessed to have you all as part of my family and wish I could have rounded up pictures of all of you.
GRANDPA GEORGE, MY BROTHER MIKE, MY NEPHEW JEFFREY & MY DAD
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
I first want to acknowledge my own father. He is one of the most honest, hard working, dedicated, determined, loving and stubborn (love you Dad!) people I know. He taught me what it means to work hard, to make sacrifices to achieve your goals, to always keep moving forward in faith even when things seem difficult or impossible, to be organized, to be goal oriented, to never give up just because something is hard, to seek for knowledge and to love music. He was always making us laugh at the dinner table when we were kids by telling us the most ridiculous jokes. He would play the accordion and the guitar while we sang and danced. He can play the piano by ear and loves to sing with his children and grandchildren. He is the greatest Papa any grandchild could ask for and loves his grandchildren fiercely. He taught me to walk by faith, love and respect my Heavenly Father, love the temple and be obedient to the commandments. We may not have seen eye to eye on everything when I was younger but the truth is I am a lot like him in many ways and I am grateful for that. I hope to emulate his best qualities and pass them on to my own children. I love you Dad. Thank you for loving me and teaching me to be a good mother and wife. Thank you for always providing for and protecting us both temporally and spiritually. And thank you for loving my baby girls. They love their papa! Happy Father's day.
Next I want to acknowledge my husband. He is one of the most patient, kind, loving, supportive, committed people I know and without him I wouldn't have my two beautiful little girls. Thank you for loving me despite all of my weaknesses, putting up with my intense desire to be the best mother I can be even when that desire makes me a little crazy and moody at times and thank you for loving me more than I feel like I deserve at times. I love you. Happy Father's day.
Next I want to recognize my kind, gracious and loving Heavenly Father who has blessed me with all that I have. Without him I would be nothing and have nothing. He gave my spirit life, he sacrificed his son so that I would be able to return to live with him despite my mortal weaknesses, he sent me to a loving family who taught me the gospel of Jesus Christ, he has given me the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide me and direct me here upon the earth. He led me to find my eternal companion who took me to the temple to be sealed to him forever. He has given me friends, role models, teachers and leaders who have inspired me, directed me, loved me and who taught me how to love, live and laugh. He has given me weaknesses and trials to make me strong and has given me more blessings and joy than I could ever hope to have. I love him and know that I am his daughter and will live with him again one day.
And lastly, happy Father's Day to my father-in-law Chris. Who raised such a wonderful son and who is a wonderful grandpa to my girls. To my Grandpa George Badger who taught me to love to read and thirst for knowledge. To my Uncle Jack who loves me like his own daughter and has been an example to me in more ways than he knows. To my brother Mike who loves with his whole heart. And to my brother Jeff who will be an amazing father one day because he is wonderful uncle. I love you all and hope that you had a wonderful Father's Day. I'm blessed to have you all as part of my family and wish I could have rounded up pictures of all of you.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Progress Update
How are you doing with your new goals? Things are going pretty well here, with a few minor setbacks of course. It wouldn't be motherhood and we wouldn't be human if we didn't have those right?
For the most part I have been pretty good about saying my prayers in the morning. The first week I did really well and noticed a huge difference in my attitude and the way I responded in difficult situations. It's almost as if I was more consciously aware that I wasn't alone on this journey. The more calm and connected I was with Heavenly Father the more calm and connected the kids seemed to be to me. I know, it's not rocket science right? But the truth is that even though you "know" that's how it works you just don't "get it" or "remember"until you do it. But it's not always easy. The weekend was particularly rough for me. I have had a lot of other things on my mind and since we don't have our typical weekday routine I forgot my morning prayers both Saturday and Sunday. But it wasn't until Sunday night that I recognized that missing those opportunities to pray likely greatly contributed to my somewhat foul mood. So I decided to set an alarm on my phone to go off every day just as a reminder in case I forget. Truth be told, it didn't work. I think I set it for too late in the morning because every time it went off I was in the middle of a store or appointment. I still think it's a great idea so I'm going to try setting it earlier and see how that goes.
Scripture study has been going pretty well. I've been making my way through all of the conference talks from April and have been loving every minute. Don't get me wrong, the standard works are great but modern revelation is so easy to relate to. But as soon as I'm done with conference it's back to scriptures for another round of the Book of Mormon. What hasn't gone as planned is getting up early to study. Late nights, a teething baby and kids getting up earlier than usual have foiled my plan. So I've been reading either during nap time, if they both sleep or before bed. I still think I will get more out of it in the morning myself but I need to get my sleep habits under control first. Sleep will be a whole blog post in and of itself but the long and short of it is that I don't hate mornings, I actually really like them, but I really like staying up late too. It's not a great combination because then I don't really love mornings and this contributes to a whole host of problems like being grumpy when the kids get up before 7:00 am, feeling tired all day, eating food that I probably shouldn't, having no energy, etc. I'm working on it but it's taking some serious discipline!
I am hoping to post Finding Balance in Life: Part II soon. But since it's 10:30 and I'm working on that discipline thing I better sign off for now.
Have a great night!?
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Finding Balance in Life: Part I
One of the greatest challenges for me as a mother, and frankly as a person, has been trying to find balance in my life. There are so many things in our lives that demand our attention that it is often difficult to know how to achieve a healthy balance so that you can accomplish all of the things that you want and need to do. About seven years ago I was struggling with this very problem.
I was a single adult in my late twenties living in Arizona working on my masters degree in music. I had spent the last six years in school in some very intense programs studying, performing, working and teaching. They were some of the happiest and most difficult years of my life. But as I was nearing the end of the first year of my masters I started to realize that despite being happy and busy I was feeling a out of sorts as I was trying to juggle all of the things I needed and wanted to do. I had been so focused on my education that I had let other important things fall to the wayside. It was with this on my mind and a prayer in my heart that I attended a stake young adult fireside. I was feeling quite emotional and alone since my roommates couldn't attend and because I had been so focused on school I didn't know that many people in my ward and stake. But I knew I needed to go so I went, and I'm so glad I did. The first speaker spoke on the very topic I had on my mind. She said, and I'm paraphrasing, most of us struggle every day to find a healthy balance in the midst of all of our responsibilities and desires. But I am going to suggest to you that life is not about finding balance it is about being focused, focused on the right thing or things. She then gave the example of a ballerina learning to do piroettes. She said that unless a dancer learned to have a single constant focus point to return to when spinning that even though she might maintain balance at first she would eventually become dizzy and fall. She then went on to say that this is exactly the same for our lives. If we have one main focus in our lives, gaining a deep, personal relationship with our Heavenly Father through prayer, scripture study and temple attendance that everything else would fall into place. The truth of this statement resonated in my heart and mind and I knew that what she was saying was true. But just because we know where our focus point is and that it will help us maintain balance in our lives sometimes we look away or lose focus and have to regroup. This is where I am right now.
The last two years have been very tough for me. We have struggled financially as a result of the recession, we had to walk away from our home in AZ, we moved to CA and lived with family for seven months, we had no job for five of those months, we moved again to our own place and welcomed a new baby to our family. Change, change, change! Some of it was exciting and some of it has just been plain hard and frustrating. I'll admit that I was not my best self during many of those months and at times took my frustrations out on those I love most. I am a recovering perfectionist and so feeling out of control of so many things in my life was almost more than I could handle some days. The transition from one to two children has been harder for me than I could have ever imagined. I went through some pretty intense post-partum depression and felt feelings of anger, anxiety and sadness that I had never felt before. It was scary and lonely and just plain hard. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't seem to maintain balance long enough for it to have a lasting effect in my life. But it has been through all of these experiences that my mind has once again been turned to those truths that I learned so many years ago. I have lost focus. I have dropped my gaze to see only the temporal instead of looking up for help to be able to see things from Heavenly Father's perspective. "My son [daughter], peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; though shalt triumph over all thy foes [trials] (Doctrine & Covenants 121: 7-8). I have allowed the "business" of life to overtake that which is most important, "the things that matter most". So it is with these things in mind today that I begin a challenge to myself, and to you, to recenter and refocus on the things that matter most. I plan to focus on one thing each month to really solidify and create good habits again in my life.
SPIRITUAL
The challenge must start here first. It has been proven time and time again that if we put eternal things first that everything else will fall into place. Here are the things I plan to focus on this month:
I was a single adult in my late twenties living in Arizona working on my masters degree in music. I had spent the last six years in school in some very intense programs studying, performing, working and teaching. They were some of the happiest and most difficult years of my life. But as I was nearing the end of the first year of my masters I started to realize that despite being happy and busy I was feeling a out of sorts as I was trying to juggle all of the things I needed and wanted to do. I had been so focused on my education that I had let other important things fall to the wayside. It was with this on my mind and a prayer in my heart that I attended a stake young adult fireside. I was feeling quite emotional and alone since my roommates couldn't attend and because I had been so focused on school I didn't know that many people in my ward and stake. But I knew I needed to go so I went, and I'm so glad I did. The first speaker spoke on the very topic I had on my mind. She said, and I'm paraphrasing, most of us struggle every day to find a healthy balance in the midst of all of our responsibilities and desires. But I am going to suggest to you that life is not about finding balance it is about being focused, focused on the right thing or things. She then gave the example of a ballerina learning to do piroettes. She said that unless a dancer learned to have a single constant focus point to return to when spinning that even though she might maintain balance at first she would eventually become dizzy and fall. She then went on to say that this is exactly the same for our lives. If we have one main focus in our lives, gaining a deep, personal relationship with our Heavenly Father through prayer, scripture study and temple attendance that everything else would fall into place. The truth of this statement resonated in my heart and mind and I knew that what she was saying was true. But just because we know where our focus point is and that it will help us maintain balance in our lives sometimes we look away or lose focus and have to regroup. This is where I am right now.
My Little Ballerina
The challenge must start here first. It has been proven time and time again that if we put eternal things first that everything else will fall into place. Here are the things I plan to focus on this month:
- Meaningful personal prayer both morning and night
- When: The morning is where I struggle. I wake up when the kids get up usually and then one thing leads to another an I forget. My recommendation is to decide on a consistent time each day to pray in the morning (while the kids are eating breakfast, during the baby's morning nap, while the kids are playing, etc.)
- Focus: It's easy to fall into a rut when you pray, always expressing gratitude or asking for the same things. Don't be in a hurry if you can help it. Think about the things that you are grateful for that day as well as the things that you struggling with right now. While we are instructed to address Heavenly Father respectfully the only way to gain a personal relationship with him is to be honest with him about your feelings and struggles. He is our God but he is also our loving Heavenly Father. He already knows our joys and our struggles but he wants us to come to him just as our earthly parents do and share our joys and our struggles so that he can know how he can help and support us.
- My Plan: Sneak away while the kids are eating breakfast
- Personal scripture/gospel study
- How/When: Once again consistency is the key here. Find a time each day that works for you. I have tried at night but either I'm too tired or I want to do something else instead so it looks like I'll be getting up early.
- Ideas for study: Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine & Covenants, Pearl of Great Price, Conference talks, Teaching No Greater Call (excellent resource for teachers and parents), Preach My Gospel.
- My Plan: Wake up 30 minutes before the kids normally do and read then.
There are several other areas under this category that could use some improvement from me. However I feel that these two are the most important and are where I am lacking the most so that is where I am going to start. If you feel that you already have a good handle on these two challenge yourself in other areas such as temple attendance, fasting, visiting teaching, service, paying a full tithing and any other area where you feel prompted to make changes. Pray, ask for guidance. The Holy Ghost will guide to and you will feel a tugging towards those areas that most need your attention at this time. I think one of the most difficult things is admitting that a change needs to be made. It requires you be humble, to admit that you are weak and imperfect and that you need help. This has always been a challenge for me. But being humble means that you are teachable. "Be thou humble and the Lord shall give thee answer to thy prayers." (Doctrine & Covenants 112:10). "The Spirit is sent forth to enlighten the humble (Doctrine & Covenants 136:33). Answers to my prayers and enlightenment are things that I desperately need as a mother and I know that even though I have not completely abandoned prayer or scripture study in my life that my communication with Heavenly Father has suffered therefore causing me to not be in the right frame of mind to be able to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.
So are you with me? What are the things you plan to work on? Feel free to share your triumphs and your struggles. We are here to support each other in raising the rising generations and it takes a village to do it!
Have a beautiful Sabbath day!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Motherhood: Battling who you are vs. who you want to be
I think about motherhood all of the time. I am in the thick of raising small children and so I suppose that doesn't come as a surprise to anyone but I often feel like I think about it more than most people. I have a history of being hard on myself, being a perfectionist, striving for excellence in all that I do, setting high standards, goals, etc. None of these things are particularly bad, but throughout my life I have come to learn that all character traits can be considered strengths and weaknesses depending on how they are used. This is an every day struggle for me, striving to keep the good parts which make me a strong, confident, reliable, kind, hard-working person and working to decrease the negative side where I am self-deprecating, setting unrealistic expectations, not being able to move forward for fear of failure or not doing things right the first time. I'm certain I'm not the only one who has made this discovery but it's one that is incredibly important for me as I strive to become the person I want to be and the person my Heavenly Father needs me to be.
One of the biggest struggles for me as a mother is coming to the realization that I am not naturally the kind of mother I always wanted to be or at least thought that I would be. I had a very clear idea of how I thought things would go, what the struggles might be for me and how I would work through them. I had spent many years working with children either baby-sitting, in a preschool setting or with my own siblings and felt very confident in my ability to care for and have a positive influence on my own children some day. I didn't become a mother for the first time until I was almost 32 and during the time leading up to that I spent a lot of time observing and admiring different types of parenting styles and making mental notes about what I liked and didn't like and how I would do things when it was my turn. But the reality is that nothing can truly prepare you for motherhood. No matter how many observations you make, books you read, mental notes you make and how much advice you get, being in the thick of it is the only way to discover what kind of mother you are. This doesn't mean that you can't change, grow or learn skills to help you become a better mother but because of our life experiences we are the way we are. We each come to the table with a different set of skills, personalities, characteristics, strengths and talents as well as weaknesses, and for some emotional, spiritual, mental and physical scars. All of these things not only affect what kind of person you are but what kind of mother you will be. Who you are when you become a mother is where you have to start from. I knew, or at least thought I did at the time, what kind of mom I wanted to be but have been surprised time and time again as I have been raising my own children to discover that living up to that ideal has proved to be a much more difficult task than it seemed it would be initially.
There are several lessons that I have learned so far. First, desire or the intent of your heart and mind are generally not enough to help you become the person that you want to be but it is a fantastic place to start. It gives you a goal to work towards as well as the drive to figure out what changes that you need to make to reach that goal.
Second, you have to be willing to change or do the work. If you don't like what you are doing, the kind of person that you are or how you feel then you and only you can make those changes happen. That's not to say that others will not be instrumental in helping you make those changes along the way but you have to be willing to ask for help, pray, read, ponder and experiment to see what works for you. Depending on your situation you may need something as simple as a good self-help parenting book to give you a few new ideas, a prayer for inspiration or it might be a more lengthy process such as meeting with a therapist to work through past or present addictions, thoughts, destructive patterns or behaviors. Whatever your weaknesses are however it is important to remember that no matter how large or small they might be that you can overcome them and you will be stronger because of them. This second lesson has probably been the hardest for me. Not so much because I'm not willing to try or work hard at something but because it is really hard for me to ask for help. I am very independent and I like to think that I can handle things all on my own. For the most part I can but the fact is after doing that for too long I start to break down and get worn out. I have to rely on my husband, my family and friends and most importantly my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. It is only with the Help of Heavenly Father through our Savior and his infinite atonement that weak things can truly be made strong. "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27, The Book of Mormon).
The third thing that I have learned is that you have to embrace who you are right now and you need to be gentle with yourself. This has also been very hard for me. I get so frustrated sometimes because I feel like I know the potential I have but I am incredibly hard on myself a lot of the time because I am not that person right now. Hence my issue with perfectionism. I am not a perfectionist in every aspect of my life but in the things that are very close to my heart I often don't give myself any margin for error thus setting myself up for disappointment way to often. A wise person once said to me, "Think of the things that you often say to yourself when you make a mistake or you don't live up to your own expectations. Would you ever say those things to a dear friend or family member?" The truth is no, I wouldn't. I think that most of us would be loving, kind, forgiving and encouraging. When we are hard on ourselves or speak unkindly about ourselves it only makes us feel worse instead of helping us to move forward. This obviously brings Satan an incredible amount of joy. His main desire is to destroy families and he knows that if he can get at the mothers that the whole unit will start to suffer and begin to breakdown.
So how do we stop this destructive behavior? First we have to allow emotions. What do I mean by that? We live in a society that views some emotions as positive and some as negative. I feel however that it's not so much the emotions themselves that are negative or positive but the result or actions of the emotions. If more people could accept the idea that emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, jealousy, embarrassment are valid, healthy emotions we'd be a lot more healthy as a society. People generally deal with these emotions by doing things such as yelling or hitting or by stuffing the emotions and trying to desensitize themselves so they don't feel anything. The problem with this is that we are generally making the situation worse by either hurting someone else or hurting ourselves. My advice, and what has seemed to work for me has been to step away from the situation if possible to a quiet place (room, bathroom, car, outside, etc.). This immediately makes everything seem less threatening. Then I try to identify the emotions without a reason attached to them and say either out loud or in my head, "I am angry, upset, disappointed, frustrated, jealous, etc. Sometimes I think I'm feeling angry but really I am feeling sad or disappointed and the anger is masking it. Once I identify the emotion(s) then I just sit with them and let them wash over me and tell myself that it is OK to feel these emotions and that I can't help the way I feel. This part is often the most scary for people because they don't like how they feel. But the longer you try to fight those "negative" emotions the harder that it will be to move past them. At least that has been the case for me. Generally once I allow the emotion(s) to wash over me I am much more calm and can think more clearly. At this point I can think more logically about the situation and more often than not I am more gentle with myself, forgiving of others and can figure out a solution repair any damage that was done. More importantly I am humble enough to pray and ask for forgiveness and help.
Second we have to be able to separate truth from lies. For example, my internal dialogue often goes something like this, "I can't believe I did [insert something]. I am the worst mother ever! My kids deserve so much better and so does my husband. It seems like I can never do anything right." Obviously I am not any of those things. But in the moment the feelings seem so justified. The same wise person that I spoke of above told me that I needed to counter those thoughts and do it out loud if necessary. So when I would think, "I am the worst mother in the world" I would then say to myself, "No, that is a lie. I am a good mother who is imperfect and learning to do a very difficult job." Then I try to think of what I could do differently the next time to avoid making the mistake again. After that, if another person was involved, I pull them aside and apologize and tell them how much I care for them. In the case of my children this has proven to be an incredibly rewarding and effective experience.
One day I was having a particularly bad day and right before dinner I let my temper get the better of me and yelled at my oldest (she is two and a half) and picked her up and plopped her on her bed and shut the door. I immediately went to my room, still feeling angry but also feeling sad and frustrated that I had allowed myself to get so worked up by typical two year old behavior. I knelt down and just stayed there allowing the emotions to wash over me. I was too angry to pray but I didn't know what else to do so I just sat there going through emotions and finally realized that I was tired a bit stressed about my husband's new, busier schedule and I was also sad that I had acted the way I did toward my daughter. As normally happens the internal dialogue began similar to the one above. But this time it was different. Once I recognized what was happening I started to counter out loud and my mood changed almost immediately. My heart was softened not only about the incident but I could feel that I was forgiving myself for the mistake I made. It was at that time that I was able to pray, ask for forgiveness and also for help. Afterward I went into my daughter's room where she was sitting on her bed still visibly upset. I sat next to her and I said, "Abigail, I am so sorry that I yelled at you and put you on your bed. It's never OK to yell at someone, even when you are angry. I know that you were very hungry and that you were frustrated that I was asking you to wait. I love you so much and I promise to keep trying not to yell when I get frustrated." And you know what she did? She looked up at me and said (without any prompting), "Mommy, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I love you.". It was a very special moment and one that I will always remember. I think that it taught us both a few things. Abby learned that I am human and imperfect and therefore make mistakes and that it is OK for her to make mistakes. And she learned what to do to reconcile the situation. I learned that negative thoughts and inner dialogue are destructive to the mind, heart and spirit but that there is a way to combat them thus avoiding further damage and beginning to make a weak thing become strong.
I hope that my experience might be helpful to you. I feel very strongly about sharing my struggles with other people, especially women. Often we feel as though others might reject us if we share our weaknesses because we too often only see their strengths. But the truth is sharing our heart, our strengths and our weaknesses is what ultimately knits us together as friends, sisters, mothers and daughters. When someone shares their struggles with me I immediately feel a wall come down and feel less pressure to be or act different just so that someone will accept me. So I offer you two challenges today.
CHALLENGE #1: Stop negative thoughts and inner dialogue in their tracks. The next time you start to attack yourself internally stop, allow the emotions you are feeling to wash over you and tell yourself that it is OK to feel mad, sad, embarrassed angry, etc. Once you are a little more calm begin to separate the truth from the lies, pray for forgiveness and/or help and finally if another person was involved ask for their forgiveness or accept their apology depending on the situation. I promise that if you do this you will begin to feel better about yourself and your capabilities as a wife, mother, friend and daughter.
Challenge #2: Allow yourself to share one of your struggles or weaknesses with someone else. I guarantee that if you will do this that the other person will respect you more and your relationship will become more genuine and fulfilling.
You are wonderful! Remember that you are not alone on this journey. Around the world there are millions of mothers just like you striving each day to be the best that they can be for their children. I'm fighting every day to be the mother I want to be and some days are just harder than others. Be gentle with yourself. And most importantly remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are on your side.
Have a fantastic day!
One of the biggest struggles for me as a mother is coming to the realization that I am not naturally the kind of mother I always wanted to be or at least thought that I would be. I had a very clear idea of how I thought things would go, what the struggles might be for me and how I would work through them. I had spent many years working with children either baby-sitting, in a preschool setting or with my own siblings and felt very confident in my ability to care for and have a positive influence on my own children some day. I didn't become a mother for the first time until I was almost 32 and during the time leading up to that I spent a lot of time observing and admiring different types of parenting styles and making mental notes about what I liked and didn't like and how I would do things when it was my turn. But the reality is that nothing can truly prepare you for motherhood. No matter how many observations you make, books you read, mental notes you make and how much advice you get, being in the thick of it is the only way to discover what kind of mother you are. This doesn't mean that you can't change, grow or learn skills to help you become a better mother but because of our life experiences we are the way we are. We each come to the table with a different set of skills, personalities, characteristics, strengths and talents as well as weaknesses, and for some emotional, spiritual, mental and physical scars. All of these things not only affect what kind of person you are but what kind of mother you will be. Who you are when you become a mother is where you have to start from. I knew, or at least thought I did at the time, what kind of mom I wanted to be but have been surprised time and time again as I have been raising my own children to discover that living up to that ideal has proved to be a much more difficult task than it seemed it would be initially.
There are several lessons that I have learned so far. First, desire or the intent of your heart and mind are generally not enough to help you become the person that you want to be but it is a fantastic place to start. It gives you a goal to work towards as well as the drive to figure out what changes that you need to make to reach that goal.
Second, you have to be willing to change or do the work. If you don't like what you are doing, the kind of person that you are or how you feel then you and only you can make those changes happen. That's not to say that others will not be instrumental in helping you make those changes along the way but you have to be willing to ask for help, pray, read, ponder and experiment to see what works for you. Depending on your situation you may need something as simple as a good self-help parenting book to give you a few new ideas, a prayer for inspiration or it might be a more lengthy process such as meeting with a therapist to work through past or present addictions, thoughts, destructive patterns or behaviors. Whatever your weaknesses are however it is important to remember that no matter how large or small they might be that you can overcome them and you will be stronger because of them. This second lesson has probably been the hardest for me. Not so much because I'm not willing to try or work hard at something but because it is really hard for me to ask for help. I am very independent and I like to think that I can handle things all on my own. For the most part I can but the fact is after doing that for too long I start to break down and get worn out. I have to rely on my husband, my family and friends and most importantly my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. It is only with the Help of Heavenly Father through our Savior and his infinite atonement that weak things can truly be made strong. "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27, The Book of Mormon).
The third thing that I have learned is that you have to embrace who you are right now and you need to be gentle with yourself. This has also been very hard for me. I get so frustrated sometimes because I feel like I know the potential I have but I am incredibly hard on myself a lot of the time because I am not that person right now. Hence my issue with perfectionism. I am not a perfectionist in every aspect of my life but in the things that are very close to my heart I often don't give myself any margin for error thus setting myself up for disappointment way to often. A wise person once said to me, "Think of the things that you often say to yourself when you make a mistake or you don't live up to your own expectations. Would you ever say those things to a dear friend or family member?" The truth is no, I wouldn't. I think that most of us would be loving, kind, forgiving and encouraging. When we are hard on ourselves or speak unkindly about ourselves it only makes us feel worse instead of helping us to move forward. This obviously brings Satan an incredible amount of joy. His main desire is to destroy families and he knows that if he can get at the mothers that the whole unit will start to suffer and begin to breakdown.
So how do we stop this destructive behavior? First we have to allow emotions. What do I mean by that? We live in a society that views some emotions as positive and some as negative. I feel however that it's not so much the emotions themselves that are negative or positive but the result or actions of the emotions. If more people could accept the idea that emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, jealousy, embarrassment are valid, healthy emotions we'd be a lot more healthy as a society. People generally deal with these emotions by doing things such as yelling or hitting or by stuffing the emotions and trying to desensitize themselves so they don't feel anything. The problem with this is that we are generally making the situation worse by either hurting someone else or hurting ourselves. My advice, and what has seemed to work for me has been to step away from the situation if possible to a quiet place (room, bathroom, car, outside, etc.). This immediately makes everything seem less threatening. Then I try to identify the emotions without a reason attached to them and say either out loud or in my head, "I am angry, upset, disappointed, frustrated, jealous, etc. Sometimes I think I'm feeling angry but really I am feeling sad or disappointed and the anger is masking it. Once I identify the emotion(s) then I just sit with them and let them wash over me and tell myself that it is OK to feel these emotions and that I can't help the way I feel. This part is often the most scary for people because they don't like how they feel. But the longer you try to fight those "negative" emotions the harder that it will be to move past them. At least that has been the case for me. Generally once I allow the emotion(s) to wash over me I am much more calm and can think more clearly. At this point I can think more logically about the situation and more often than not I am more gentle with myself, forgiving of others and can figure out a solution repair any damage that was done. More importantly I am humble enough to pray and ask for forgiveness and help.
Second we have to be able to separate truth from lies. For example, my internal dialogue often goes something like this, "I can't believe I did [insert something]. I am the worst mother ever! My kids deserve so much better and so does my husband. It seems like I can never do anything right." Obviously I am not any of those things. But in the moment the feelings seem so justified. The same wise person that I spoke of above told me that I needed to counter those thoughts and do it out loud if necessary. So when I would think, "I am the worst mother in the world" I would then say to myself, "No, that is a lie. I am a good mother who is imperfect and learning to do a very difficult job." Then I try to think of what I could do differently the next time to avoid making the mistake again. After that, if another person was involved, I pull them aside and apologize and tell them how much I care for them. In the case of my children this has proven to be an incredibly rewarding and effective experience.
One day I was having a particularly bad day and right before dinner I let my temper get the better of me and yelled at my oldest (she is two and a half) and picked her up and plopped her on her bed and shut the door. I immediately went to my room, still feeling angry but also feeling sad and frustrated that I had allowed myself to get so worked up by typical two year old behavior. I knelt down and just stayed there allowing the emotions to wash over me. I was too angry to pray but I didn't know what else to do so I just sat there going through emotions and finally realized that I was tired a bit stressed about my husband's new, busier schedule and I was also sad that I had acted the way I did toward my daughter. As normally happens the internal dialogue began similar to the one above. But this time it was different. Once I recognized what was happening I started to counter out loud and my mood changed almost immediately. My heart was softened not only about the incident but I could feel that I was forgiving myself for the mistake I made. It was at that time that I was able to pray, ask for forgiveness and also for help. Afterward I went into my daughter's room where she was sitting on her bed still visibly upset. I sat next to her and I said, "Abigail, I am so sorry that I yelled at you and put you on your bed. It's never OK to yell at someone, even when you are angry. I know that you were very hungry and that you were frustrated that I was asking you to wait. I love you so much and I promise to keep trying not to yell when I get frustrated." And you know what she did? She looked up at me and said (without any prompting), "Mommy, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I love you.". It was a very special moment and one that I will always remember. I think that it taught us both a few things. Abby learned that I am human and imperfect and therefore make mistakes and that it is OK for her to make mistakes. And she learned what to do to reconcile the situation. I learned that negative thoughts and inner dialogue are destructive to the mind, heart and spirit but that there is a way to combat them thus avoiding further damage and beginning to make a weak thing become strong.
I hope that my experience might be helpful to you. I feel very strongly about sharing my struggles with other people, especially women. Often we feel as though others might reject us if we share our weaknesses because we too often only see their strengths. But the truth is sharing our heart, our strengths and our weaknesses is what ultimately knits us together as friends, sisters, mothers and daughters. When someone shares their struggles with me I immediately feel a wall come down and feel less pressure to be or act different just so that someone will accept me. So I offer you two challenges today.
CHALLENGE #1: Stop negative thoughts and inner dialogue in their tracks. The next time you start to attack yourself internally stop, allow the emotions you are feeling to wash over you and tell yourself that it is OK to feel mad, sad, embarrassed angry, etc. Once you are a little more calm begin to separate the truth from the lies, pray for forgiveness and/or help and finally if another person was involved ask for their forgiveness or accept their apology depending on the situation. I promise that if you do this you will begin to feel better about yourself and your capabilities as a wife, mother, friend and daughter.
Challenge #2: Allow yourself to share one of your struggles or weaknesses with someone else. I guarantee that if you will do this that the other person will respect you more and your relationship will become more genuine and fulfilling.
You are wonderful! Remember that you are not alone on this journey. Around the world there are millions of mothers just like you striving each day to be the best that they can be for their children. I'm fighting every day to be the mother I want to be and some days are just harder than others. Be gentle with yourself. And most importantly remember that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are on your side.
Have a fantastic day!
My Abigail My Charlotte
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